Self-Handicapping

I find that I am my own worst critic. I am the one who has the least faith in me, and I am the one who is so quick to offer up possible reasons why I might have failed in any given situation (long before knowing the results.) Hence the title, " self-handicapping"--it's what I find myself doing in high-pressure situations...offering up all the reasons why I probably didn't do well, so that IF I do fail, well, I've already told you to expect it...

I was struck by the absurdity of such actions tonight during a phone conversation with my father. There is some big news I am to receive on Friday morning, and I was making him aware of this. The conversation went as follows:
M: "Well, I'll know Friday mid-morning whether I'm celebrating or not."
D: "I know where I'd place my bets."
M: "Well, I'd like to think the same, but I've heard that it's a really finicky process..."
BAM!
I had immediately made up an excuse for why my Dad shouldn't have too much confidence in me. What the heck? Here I sit, feeling rather at peace about Friday (after much prayer), but I'm still on auto-defense??

The reality: I fear failure. And it's less private failure, because I'm stubborn and find myself digging my way out of that. It's public failure. The minute someone says, "I have no doubt you can ___" is the minute I begin to self-doubt.

Oh, wicked, man-pleasing, prideful flesh, how I loathe thee.

"For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ."
Galatians 1:10

(And for those who read this before Friday mid-morning, I would love your prayers for peace and trust in the Lord as I receive my National Board results--confidence that His will in this process is perfect, no matter whether I am celebrating or retaking!)

Dear competitive single girl,

...I have so little patience for you.

Let me give you a little hint: I'm not interested in competing with you for the attention of that guy. Or any guy. No, really, I'm serious. I didn't come out this evening to win his attention. So you can quit [being mean/being rude/giving me the cold shoulder/all of the above] simply because I'm here and a single gal too. Ok, yes, so he's talking to me at the current moment and sitting here beside me. We're acquaintances...and out in a large group. That's what people who know each other do--they talk to one another. In loud places, they have to sit beside one another to talk. Maybe even share a laugh as the evening goes on. The exchange of words does not equate to a date, a marriage proposal, or anything else threatening to you. In case you failed to notice, I talked to everyone else in the group tonight as much as I talked to him (except you, as you wouldn't talk to me). So you can back off with your cold shoulder and snide comments sent in my general direction. And a little hint? You're not doing yourself any favors with your catty behavior either. Perhaps you could try being nice and friendly to someone you just met tonight (for clarity, that would be me--and my friend too, who went way out of her way to be nice to you.) Maybe a smile on that face of yours would make him notice you more...

(For the record, this rant inspired by recent events on an evening out with colleagues--the purpose of said evening being to get to know one another and have a little fun while at an otherwise boring conference. Unfortunately, competitive single girls can be encountered in lots of places. I am rather certain I was once one myself. But wouldn't we all be better off if we (ladies) stopped acting so darn competitive/territorial and actually tried to be pleasant to one another?)

Rising to the Level of Your Incompetence

I used to think The Office to be an extremely funny show--until now. Now I find myself living it...and there's nothing funny about having Michael Scott for your boss.

My dad has said for years that people tend to rise to positions of their incompetence. We watch Hollywood and the media make fun of these individuals--The Office, Office Space, Dilbert, and others are all based on this concept--the least qualified individuals somehow end up as the managers, leaving their workers to suffer under their seemingly idiotic decisions. Apparently it happens frequently enough that there is a name for it: the Peter Principle. Really, go read about it.

This year one of my supervisors is proving that he has hit his stride--of true incompetence. He doesn't know us, our classrooms, or how our school runs. He does know, however, how to make a whole bunch of teachers mad and stressed out within a mere 10 day period. Good job, man.

Ah, yeah. So. Umm, my red Swingline stapler and I will just go get started on all this paperwork that you have created for us, Bossman. If you'd ever like to actually come observe my classroom and see why it's all unnecessary, please let me know.
Sincerely,
The Staff

A few ground rules, please.

To whom it may concern,
Recently I have been approached by a number of you who desire to set me up with your [friend, neighbor, family member, random stranger you met on the street]. Let me begin by stating that I appreciate the gesture. No, really, I do. I find it sweet that so many people are thinking of me and looking out for my well-being.

However, we all know that not everyone is compatible simply because "you would look so cute together." Just ask Charles and Diana...Jen and Brad...Britney and K-Fed. In light of this need for a bit more info, I've thought of three basic questions you could consider asking before you even approach me. Believe me, it will save us all a lot of time.

Ready? Ok, here we go.

1. Does he love Jesus?

No, really, he must love Jesus. Not just show up for church on Sundays. (And as an added bonus, what are his thoughts on reformed theology?)

2. Does he have a job?

Ok, I understand this is a tough economy...but really. Does this one need more explanation?

3. Is he (still) married?

Yes, indeed, I recently found the need to add this one to the list. If he is not by all legal means "single", I'm just not interested.

I laugh as I type all this, but it's really so true...these three questions could save so much time...

Between the Altar and the Ram

How must Abraham have felt in those moments after Isaac was prepared as the sacrifice but before the ram appeared tangled in the thicket? There he stood, his beloved son on the altar before him. Genesis 22 said that Abraham, in his complete obedience, "stretched out his hand and took the knife to slay his son" (v 10). Complete trust in the God who had called him to do this...but can't you imagine that there must have been an element of confusion within his sinful human mind? A questioning of the cost of the sacrifice...of the path he was being called to walk...a feeling of sorrow and loss over what he was about to give up.

Recall the story that led up to this moment. Abraham (then called Abram) was promised by God that "but one who will come forth from your own body, he shall be your heir" (Gen 15:4) and that Abraham's descendants would be as numerous as the stars in the heavens. At this point it was said that "he believed in the LORD; and He reckoned it to him as righteousness." (Gen 15:6) We know that Abraham stumbled in his faith as God fulfilled the promises in His time--Hagar and Ishmael offer evidence of that--but still the LORD fulfilled His promise of an heir to Abraham with the birth of Isaac when Abraham was 100 years old. (Gen 21)

So here was his child of promise, and Abraham was being asked to sacrifice him. To give up the thing that he loved, that seemed to be the key to his future and his inheritance. Scripture seems to indicate that it was only moments after preparing Isaac on the altar before the voice of the angel of the LORD spoke to Abraham--just long enough for Abraham to have demonstrated that he feared God, since he did not withhold his only son from the sacrifice (Gen 22:12). And then the LORD, in His perfect timing, sent the ram to take Isaac's place on the altar.

The key to this story is Abraham's trust in his God. Abraham was a human, just like me. He certainly had his faults, although he is a man to be admired, being described as a man who "believed God, and it was reckoned to him as righteousness" (Rom 4:3). On his way up the mountain to sacrifice Isaac, he told the young men who accompanied them, "Stay here...WE will worship and return to you." (Gen 22:5) He believed they would both return--that God would intervene, even though he didn't see the way. So even as he raised the knife against his own son, he had a trust in God and His promises.

I'm feeling a bit like Abraham these days--before he saw the ram. The LORD has called me to give up some things in my personal and professional life that I loved--and none of which were, at first glance, bad things. But He spoke, and I am trying to obey. Admittedly, I am currently feeling a sense of loss...of sorrow...my heart hurts. But I trust my God. I know that He is good. And I only pray that I may, like Abraham, be unwavering in this trust as I await the ram.

The Lord, in His kindness, brought this song into my life over the past few days, to serve as a balm to my soul...the first verse is so fitting of my life right now...and the chorus is where I trust and pray I will soon be...
"Here" by Katy Kinard
i've never given up so much for you/ i've never been quick to obey/ but this time i knew the voice was you/ and so i gave all i gave/ i’ve heard it said that when you’re needed most, sometimes it seems that you’re not there/ so it’s been hard to love the choice i chose when it seemed to me you’d all but disappeared
(Chorus)
but now you’re here just like the sun after the rain/ and now you’re here just like the calm after the waves/ and i don’t mean to sound surprised that you’d be near/ but yesterday i wasn’t sure/ praise God You’re here.

Dear Blog,

Yes, I have neglected you in recent months; I just haven't had much to share with the world lately. And if you'll recall, life was no easy street this past spring...but wait, you can't recall that because I never told you. I was always too tired or busy. But a new year is starting--a year already promising to be full of changes--so perhaps I can ease my way back into this sharing thing...

More soon.
-Me

Out of the Mouth of Babes

A conversation this morning with one of my fiesty little recently 5-year-old Sunday School students:

MG: "So, are you married yet?" (said in an impatient voice, as she had just asked me this a few weeks ago too)
Me: "No"
MG: "Well why not?"
Me: "Because you haven't found anyone for me to marry."
MG: "Oh."
[Pause]
MG: "Well, why don't you just marry a dolphin or something?"

Shoot, why didn't I think of that sooner?